i am as old as the day i was born

I am brand new, been around for centuries.

Twenty-three means to be navigating a world that is both familiar and estranged, confused by the distorted forms of expectations we created for ourselves when we were sixteen.

I am a riddle living in a riddle, trying to make sense of these slivers of experience in this grand scheme of perspective. Try to guess, but don’t blame me. It’s all I know right now too. 

I am restless. Every day feels like a new lesson that reminds me of my shaky knees, how easily I lose my breath after a few steps, and how much I strain my neck to peer over before looking around me. 

Ugh 23. You’re so…cheeky. You tease me. All this pestering is making me sensitive! I’m still angsty, I still pout. I say I’m hurting, but apparently that’s just youth.

Can you play along as I pretend to be a grown up? Pretty please. Will you believe me when I act out? 

My disoriented thoughts cloud my eyes. My prophetic dreams energize my future. I acknowledge that I am crazy. Even if I fuck it all up, I’m not scared (my knees are still shaking). 

I’m uneasy, I want that love that shows up in my kitchen hungry…, no actually? I think it was just the sexual tension between me and what I’m capable of. 

Twenty-three is confusing because 26 year olds will act older and wiser, but 62 year olds will tell me I’ll figure it out. Maybe it is my estranged relationship with my family, maybe it is losing this false sense of guidance that was ultimately misdirecting but grieving it all anyways. 

Actually, you wouldn’t know just by looking at me. I’m probably knee deep into dissociation unlike the faces I make at you. It’s pretty simple to serve. I don’t speak when I have nothing to say. Performative nonchalantism makes me scoff. I care a lot and feel a lot and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I still have so much to say.

To be honest, I don’t even know what side I’m showing. I’m choosing if I’m a raven, fox, snake, fish, sheep or all of the above!

Yeah, I actually love it right now. Actually, no I wanna quit right now. I wanna be a kid forever!!!. No, actually I wanna be a grown up with feminine mystique. Can I be a little unlikeable? Even if I act like an idiot, people are still pretty nice to me. But I’m disturbed they’re checking me out as I turn around.

i’m nearing the end of this age and audrey took this picture

I’m embracing hypocrisy and contradictions so bare with me as my formative years continue on. I will brood and contemplate. I feel ugly and beautiful. Mentally I feel ancient. But what do I know.. I’m still learning how to live. I’m still as old as the day I was born.

Lately, I’ve been liking the easy feeling stuff.

This feels a little more familiar.

I’m starting to get it a little more.

I think I like my eyebrows a little over plucked…I think I’m going to bleach them again in a few days.

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